Stupid Questions

I came in to work today, and sat at my desk. The office is pretty empty today since people that needed to work a conference over the weekend got today and tomorrow off (with pay). So I'm checking my email, and one of the people in Government Affairs who I usually run support for comes right up to me and asks: Are you coming in to work today?

Is she fucking kidding me? It wasn't, "I didn't know you were coming in today,” or anything of that nature. It literally was: Are you coming in to work today? As if I wasn’t sitting at my desk, right in front of her face AT WORK. I had no response for a few moments, and a few seconds later, I just said, “Yeah, I’m coming in today.” What else could I say? Normally, I would have been super sarcastic, but this is someone in a position of authority over me who has the capabilities of making my life miserable. That would be like a waiter interrupting the customer’s meal and asking, “Will you be eating here today?”

No SHIT I’m coming in today.

Asian Clubber Chicks

If you've ever been to an asian club party, then you've definitely seen them before. The asian clubber chick. They're very easy to spot. Anyone who falls under any of these descriptions is a definite clubber chick.

1. They travel in packs- the asian clubber girls never party, drink, or dance alone. They are always in a group of similarly dressed girls ready to impress the crowd with their slutty get-low-to-the-ground dance moves. You will rarely see them dance with anyone outside of their circle of friends. Speaking of dancing,

2. They only dance with their girls- There are four main reasons why they only dance with each other:

• They are bitches: These girls think they are god's gift to men, and therefore, are only willing to dance with guys who these girls think are hot. So unless you have the looks of Brad Pitt, or the charm of George Clooney, you're better off trying to "holla" at the semi-cute drunk girl at the bar, who incidentally, will look better with every shot of tequila you take.
• They are shy: During the rest of the week, many of the asian clubber chicks are actually nerdy college girls studying for their nursing, biology, or finance degree. These asian club parties are their chance to let loose and dance on the weekends. However, with all the time they spend in the library, their interaction with the opposite sex is limited. Not knowing how to approach a guy, they will instead just dance with their girls and hope that one has the balls to come up to them.
• They are closet lesbians: I'm not saying every girl in the group is a lesbian, but chances are, a couple of them might be. They dance with their girls on the pretense that they are too good for the guys at the club, but in reality, they just want to hook up with their girlfriend. As the alcohol starts to kick in, they will become more daring and flirty, hoping to god that their friend is a lesbian as well. Or at the very least, bi-curious. If not, there's always more alcohol.

Guess who's the giver and who's the taker...

• They are straight up ugly: There's a good reason these girls are never approached by the guys. They're just not that pretty. They're not even "kinda cute". Luckily, ugly girls tend to find each other and become friends. At least they have someone to dance with when the guys don't call. Avoid these girls at all cost. With the club's dim lighting and having drank 3 long islands, you may think these girls are approachable. Hopefully, your buddy will come along and save you from this embarassment, because damn it, you'd do the same for them. That's a true wingman.

3. They wear the same outfit- Ok, so they don't wear the exact same outfit, but some variety of the same theme. Regardless of the cold weather, asian clubber chicks will wear a pair of tight-fitting low rise jeans with a flowy top that either reveal their bra-less back or show off their A to B cup-size chests. In summer-time weather, the jeans get replaced by a short skirt, so the world can see their pale, toothpick-thin legs. Not that I'm complaining about cute girls flaunting some skin, but I want to see some style. Show some creativity! These girls spend hours in front of the mirror trying to put the perfect outfit together only to end up looking like every girl at the club.

Wear something different!

5. They cock-block for each other- For every clubber chick, there's a clubber guy. These fellas have no approach to meeting the clubber girls. Instead, they attack guerrilla style and sneak up on these vulnerable girls. Without ever saying "hi" or "hello" the clubber guy will quietly walk up to a dancing clubber chick's open back, grab her waist, and start grinding away.

To defend against these creeps, the clubber chicks watch each other's backs (literally) to prevent any unwanted dance partners. Note how in the above photo, the girl in brown is being held by her female friend, who is gently pulling her away from the attacker. Other methods are used as well, such as dancing in a line as shown below:

In this setup, the weaker girls, who have the most difficulty saying no to the guys, are placed in the middle. The stronger girls, able to defend against most attacks, stand (or dance) on the outside. Only the most brave and daring clubber guys can stand a chance against this sort of cock-block.

And there you have it. Although this list does not cover everything, it should give you a good idea on the asian clubber chick. Next time you're at an asian club party, you know exactly what to look out for. Have fun!

You're Not That Cool

One Thousandth of My Hatred

Why do people insist on acting cooler than they really are? There is no real advantage in doing so. In fact, it makes me hate people that do it. I don’t mean hate as in: I hate when the candy store doesn’t have my favorite flavor of Jelly Belly. This is what I mean: I hate with the fire of a thousand suns. If it wouldn’t land my ass in jail, I would personally rip the aorta from of each of these people with my bare hands, and then mock them by turning it into some sort of finger puppet.

First, let’s define the action of acting cooler than you really are. One who does this abides by the following protocols:

• Purposely seeks out what is currently being labeled as “cool,” irregardless of who is setting these standards.
• Attempts to follow these trends in spite of their natural tendencies/limitations
• Achieves this attempt in a manner in which it annoys much of the population.
• Successfully causes such distaste with the “cool” behavior that those who actually enjoy such things are put off from them.

Hopefully, you will soon be able to recognize such behavior in those surrounding you. Unfortunately, I will not teach you how to rip aortas from people’s chest cavities. (You’ll need to do that on your own time.)

For the purpose of the argument against acting super-cool, I am going to focus on people who are over the age of twenty. While this behavior does inspire hatred for those under twenty, the immediate results of such actions are vastly different. For twenty year olds, I’m going to assume that they’ve finished high school, and have either been in the work force or in college for a year or two. This time period should have provided enough life experience to stop acting like a child and be able to at least fake adulthood. In addition to that, you would think that someone at that age would be able to make their own decisions as to what appeals to them, irregardless of who is touting what is to be labeled “cool” or “uncool.” At this age, they really should just know better.

The best way to convey why these people are to be hated is through example, so here's one to get you started:

The Wannabe Urbanite

If you’re from a suburban gated community where each house has at least one BMW/Mercedes Benz/Lexus in the driveway (‘cause the nicer cars are in the garage), don’t act as though you’re from the ghetto. It’s unbecoming on you, and frankly, you can’t pull it off. Here’s what I think happens in your mind:

• “Hey! Look at what they’re wearing on that horrible/mindless/void of intelligent thought show: TRL! Who cares how ridiculous it looks?! I’m going to do the same! Listen to their unnatural use of urban slang! They gotz mad skillz, dawwwg!
• “I’m gonna talk like that no matter how wack I sound! For shizzle my dizzle. Screw my $150,000 educizzle! I’m straight street(izzle).”
  

Personally, this is what I generally believe people are thinking when they make such poor life decisions. Unfortunately, this internal monologue is only half of the problem. The rest is executed as punishment to the rest of the populace, which is thinking:

• “Look at that chick talking like a fool. Making the rest of us (with $150,000 educations) look like idiots.” OR “Why does she keep quacking? OH! She’s trying to say wack! Dumbass bitch.”
• “That bitch is not wearing the same thing as me. I’m never wearing this outfit again. Who cares that it actually looks good on me and makes her look like a Stomp reject? She’s tainted these clothes forever.

Are you following my logic here? Not only have these girls perverted urban style and culture, they have successfully ruined said practices for others. It is one thing to keep up with the times, it’s quite another to spoil it for everyone else that it actually does work for.

Now that I’ve given you an example, try to identify this protocol in our other entries. Try this one for starters. Go ahead, it’s not that difficult.

It doesn’t really matter what you’re trying to do when you act cooler than you really are. It all comes down to this: There’s a reason most of us don’t pay attention to you, don’t try to attract it by acting like an asshole. When it comes down to it, you’re a show-off, and nobody likes a show-off. Go fuck yourself and leave us alone.

Flip-flops in the Snow

Why do people insist upon wearing flip-flops in the winter? Correct me if I’m wrong, but the extremities of the body are most vulnerable to damage from the cold, so why would you give them the least amount of protection possible? This makes no sense at all.

Are the feet of some completely immune to the cold, while others hypersensitive? This is much more than simple differences in weather preferences. I fully understand that people enjoy different temperatures, and there is a certain range that I think is acceptable amongst most people. Some people are more comfortable in warmer times (anywhere from 75º to 90ºF), while others are in colder times (40º to 50ºF). This is perfectly fine. The problem is when people willingly expose themselves to below freezing temperatures.

Walking around in the snow while wearing flip-flops is simply moronic. I have seen girls running around in the dead of winter (not a fake winter that we’ve had recently with temperature ranging from 20º to 60ºF) in tiny skirts and flip-flops. Given, these were Catholic high school girls, and the skirts were part of the uniform, but I also attended that same high school, and I wore pants and Timberlands. The worst was when said girls would complain about the cold. They would complain about the cold they were experiencing while the bottom halves of their bodies were essentially naked to the furies of winter. Does this make any sense? NO. IT DOES NOT.

In my opinion, the Sluttiness Quotient (SQ) is directly proportional to one’s resistance below freezing temperatures. In the same way that a low IQ can shield one from the awful truths of the world, a high SQ can protect one from the physical onslaught of winter. This does not only apply to girls and their skirts/strappy-sandals/flip-flops, however. We have all seen that group of frat boys in flip-flops playing hackey sack in a field of snow. How do they maintain their balance while essential tissues of their bodies are slowly being destroyed? The rest of us may never know.

February Is Gay

This month sucks. It's only 28 days long. Except every four years when it's a leap year, it has 29 days. Woop-de-fucking-doo.

First let's look at the February holidays. There's Groundhog Day (Feb 2), Valentine's Day (Feb 14), and President's Day (third Monday of Feb). Only one of those holidays gets you a possible day off: President's Day. Most private companies don't give you a paid day off for this holiday. Since it's a federal holiday, those with government jobs get the day off, which means no mail for you!

And Groundhog Day?! Who gives a shit about an animal that checks for its shadow to predict how much winter we have left? What's even more sad is that there are organizations to celebrate this poor-excuse-of-a-holiday. There are people who don't show up for work and don't get paid so they can watch a furry thing come out of the ground. There's certainly better animals that deserve a holiday much more than a groundhog. How about Cow Day? Pig? Chicken? I'd be more willing to celebrate these animals because damn it, they're tasty. Then again, I've never tried groundhog.

And finally, there's Valentine's Day. Who actually loves this holiday? I'm betting only the execs at Hallmark. It IS their holiday after all. What better way to show your love for that special someone by buying them a card with a greeting written by another person, a box of assorted chocolate-covered crap, and a $10 stuffed toy made in some third world country sweatshop? For those who are single, Valentine's day is a brutal reminder that they are alone with no one who loves them. Because of that, they'll celebrate this day in their own fashion by drinking their asses off along with other bitter singles. And the guys who have a valentine are angry because they have to spend their hard-earned money on a dinner for two at an overpriced restaurant.

If I were black, I'd be real angry that Black History Month is February. What, is 30 days just too much?