The Worst Poem in Life (or Why My Brain is Bleeding)

It angers me that people think ownership of a Xanga page makes them competent poets/rappers. Case in point:

i've gotten myself into a terrible mess
issues i've over looked and never adressed
don't think its a game cuz i ain't playin
cuz its a god damn shame, all the shiet u sayin

to be continued...off to muhh fawkin wizzerk

The anger that this inspires in me has no equal. If you can imagine the rage between Lindsay and Hilary, you'll only be skimming the surface of mine. That is how deep this is. Don't think that rage is my only reaction to this, there is also an underlying sadness present. If this is how people are writing today, can you even imagine world politics in the next decade?

US Ambassador to Canada: u muhh fawkin Canadizzles best get the fawk outta alaskerk befour i send a fawkin mizzerk ur way. SUK DEEZ NUTZ MUHH FAWKUHS!

I can only hope that at this point, my home will be the (hopefully) nuclear, not nucular, missle's primary target, gifting me with an instant death. But back to the issue at hand. I'll try my best to discuss this "poem" without succumbing to any fits of rage:

This hurts my brain on so many levels. The left hemisphere of my brain has become a quivering mass of goo. This is perhaps the worst combination of self-delusion, fake ghetto-ness, and bad grammar I have ever seen in my life. And believe me, I know bad grammar.

I’ll excuse some of the misspellings, as there is no spell-check on Xanga (that I know of). Unfortunately, this only applies to such errors as adressed and the lowercase i. I’ll even ignore the ain’t, as this has really become a staple in most American vernaculars. One thing I cannot ignore is cuz. Is because that much of a hassle to type? Even if you want to cut back on the number of syllables, ‘cause is perfectly acceptable. Can you imagine if this child was addressing his cousin (a.k.a. cuz) in any way? That could trigger serious bleeding in my already damaged Broca’s area. Blood is pouring out of my ears just thinking about it. (Even as this is happening, I’ve been able to adhere to the rules of proper grammar.)

Is it really necessary to let us know how exactly to pronounce these words? Why is shit spelled with an e, creating the non-word: shiet? I assume you pronounce this word in two syllables: shi-et. The thing is, if you’re so concerned with economic syllable distribution, why would you add to this already short word? This (let’s call it a) piece flows much better with the single syllable shit, rather than the two syllable shiet. To the “poet/rapper”: It’s amazing how you’ve made this already hopeless piece of shit even worse with the addition of a single letter.

The worst offense is muhh fawkin wizzerk. I understand this is supposed to be a sort of drawled/super ghetto affectation of “motherfucking work,” but is it really necessary to spell it in this manner? The pronunciation of “motherfucking work” should really be left to the reader. Also, in reading muhh fawkin wizzerk aloud, I sound like Rain Man, albeit with a lower I.Q., no math ability, and severe head trauma.

I don't know if I have the ability to address wizzerk, but I will try my best to do so. Why do people insist on adding random Zs (followed by -erks, -izzles, or other forms of literal stupidity) to words in the hope that they can sound like Snoop Dogg? Last I checked, he's the only one who has even a remote chance of pulling it off; and it's only because he's smoked enough marajuana to alleviate all cases of glaucoma in the world: past, present and future.

Oh, dear. My ear canals don't seem to have enough capacity to handle the blood gushing from my brain, so some of the flow is being diverted to my eyes.

Excuse me while I wipe down my keyboard.

(Final Note: Overlooked is ONE WORD! Not two! ONE RWOIg;kl a;kldhg asdlja;a;lsdkjf jspellCHECK!! a;ksdaf asd puiaretj34t698 4t aphga ;hgapwroijajg; 364_+_)sdf/ eju fp syupi jrstij ,r yp nsf$$$ ENGLISH0awt8p ka;lkj45 CLASS poaid a[09a,a]ld!!!!!!!!!!

[Editor's Note: The combination of a blood-soaked keyboard and brain hemmorrhage have rendered i write i temporarily disabled. Please forgive the outburst. We hope she makes a full recovery in the near future.]