The Smug Cyclist

I started working in the city this summer, and it requires a five-block walk from the train station to my building.  In my daily walking, I've started to detest a certain thing that's been infecting the city for quite some time: the smug-ass bicyclist (from here on shortened to smug cyclist).

When I'm driving, I hate pedestrians; when I'm a pedestrian, I hate drivers.  But no matter what, I will always hate you smug cyclists.

I understand, you're saving the earth from pollution and reducing your carbon footprint blah blah blah.  But you know what?  I don't live in the city and not everything is within 5 miles of where I live.  But unlike other suburbanites who need a car, I'm not driving a monstrous, gas guzzling SUV;  I drive a small, fuel-efficient car, so I'm at least doing my part.  But you don't see me being all arrogant about it.

I especially hate the smug (or clueless) cyclists who don't know what "share the road" means.  And no, it doesn't mean you can ride in the center of a single-lane road during rush hour traffic.  Yes, I realize not all of Philadelphia's streets have a dedicated bike lane.  Boo-fucking-hoo.  Find the streets that do, because when you're taking up an entire lane going 8 miles per hour with a block-long line of furious drivers behind you, the cops might let it go if someone decides to run your ass over.  Just saying.

I rarely wish harm on anyone, but cyclists bring out the worst in me.  As I see cyclists pass cars with that shit-eating grin because they feel exempt from obeying traffic laws, I imagine them running right into a parked car's opened door or their skinny wheels falling through a storm drain grating, causing them to fly over their handlebars (some of which may not have brakes, because the super-smug of smug cyclists ride on fixed-gear bikes).

And no, I don't want you on the sidewalks either.  You're just as annoying on the sidewalks as the Yuppie moms with their humongous strollers (that's a topic for another day).  I'm just trying to take a nice, quiet stroll to work (sometimes with my headphones on).  I don't need to have the shit scared out of me by some cyclist who doesn't realize the sidewalk is for walking only.  It's crowded enough with other people trying to get somewhere, I don't need some guy on two wheels making it worse.  Plus, your dirty tires could scuff my shoe, and I happen to like my shoes.  Although if scuffing my shoes causes you to crash, it would be worth it.