The Turnpike Types

Driving the NJ Turnpike every weekend for almost 2 years means I've seen almost all types of highway drivers out there.  Here are the ones that annoy me most:


THE TAILGATER- If I'm in the passing lane and haven't realized I'm not going fast enough, I can understand being tailgated.  If I'm the one trying to get a slowpoke out of the left lane, I prefer to flash the highbeams since it's safer.  But there are drivers out there who seem to tailgate for no reason at all.  It's happened to me even while on the rightmost lane.  I look in my rearview, and all I can see is another car's grille.  I have no clue as to what motivates people to drive that close behind me; maybe they're drafting to save gas, or they like to look as if they're being towed.  In any case, those situations make me wish I could install rear-facing high beams.


THE VARIABLE SPEEDER- While not the most annoying of crazy drivers, the variable speeder can be quite infuriating... and confusing.  Most times, I stick to the center lane averaging 75 to 80 mph and will eventually run into someone going about 65 or so.  Without tailgating, I switch over to the left lane in an attempt to pass them.  Once I pass, I plan on going back to the middle.

The problem is, the Variable Speeder will go faster as I try to do so.  Fine, I see they don't want to be passed; to them, passing is a personal insult, akin to having their mom called a whore.  So I'll slow down and end up driving behind them again (at a safe distance).  But if it ended there, I wouldn't be writing about them, would I?  No.  Soon after, the Variable Speeder will slow down, forcing my need to pass them once again.  But this time, I'm determined to succeed in doing so, as I don't want to play this game for the entire trip.  Pretty soon, I'm going just shy of 100 trying to get past this idiot.  Mind you, 100 is not THAT fast to some people, but I have a 128-horsepower 4-cylinder compact.  Going a hundred in that thing is kind of scary.  The thing with Variable Speeders is that I know they're not doing whatever they do purposefully.  They really just have no sense of speed and don't pay attention to other surrounding vehicles.  My guess is that once behind the wheel, they have their blinders on, and all they can see is what's straight ahead, and nowhere else.

THE SPEED ENFORCER- The Speed Enforcers are the self-righteous pricks of the highway.  They are the ones perpetually stuck in the fast lane going a steady 70 when the limit is 65.  The Speed Enforcers are relatively harmless on most occasions.  It is when the road starts to get crowded that you'll fantasize shooting them off the road with a roof mounted .50 cal machine gun.  The Speed Enforcer will not care that a huge line of angry, tailgating cars are behind them, because they believe they need to do their part to keep everyone from breaking the speed limit.  I'm sorry, Speed Enforcer, but the Turnpike cops will only pull over those who hit at least 85 or are driving as erratic as a drunk toddler.  Until then, get the fuck out of the left lane and leave the speed enforcing to them, ok?  Thanks!

THE SHOULDER RIDER aka LINE CUTTER- During rush hour, Turnpike exits are painfully slow and packed.  However frustrating it is to wait 20 minutes just to get back to local roads, there is an unspoken code that we stay in our place in line.  Unfortunately, the Line Cutter believes that the rules do not apply to them, and where they are going is way more important than where the rest of us have to be.  So here I am waiting patiently in my vehicle, when I see someone in my side view mirror riding the shoulder, blatantly cutting in line.  I've always imagined that I would see them in time for me to pull into the shoulder to block their path, making them wait with everyone else.  Unfortunately, I'm always too slow to react, or I hesitate, fearing that the Shoulder Rider is actually a cop in an unmarked car.  When they pass me and I see that it's just another impatient asshole, I chide myself for not having done anything.  I just hope that the cars up front will prevent the Line Cutter from merging in, but inevitably there will be one pussy who lets them through.

THE MULTI-TASKER- Sometimes I find cars that appear as though driven by someone who just downed three glasses of Long Island Iced Tea (always a good choice, except before driving).  I try to keep as much distance from them as possible, especially since they are obviously struggling to stay within the lines.  As I pass them, i can't help but try to see the driver and his condition.  Of course, they're not drunk, but simply preoccupied with other things.

Cell phone users are the most common, then texters, and eaters.  I also see women fixing their mascara or applying other makeup.  I've seen parents turned around to scold children in the backseat.  But the most confounding thing I have seen is someone driving with AN OPEN NOVEL against their steering wheel.  Dude.  Is the book THAT suspenseful?!  And have you not discovered audio books?!  I just don't understand this one.

THE RACERS- I hate these fuckers the most.  These dudes don't realize that the turnpike is not their own personal race track.  I don't care if anyone's going 200, I really don't; as long as they always pass on the left (a la Autobahn rules).  But the Racers are the ones who weave through traffic at high speed without caring about the lanes.  All I know is, if these guys somehow lose control and fly off into a ditch, I won't be calling 911 for them.  In fact, I'd pull over, open their door, point, laugh, then drive off.  If only...